Isn't it funny how a song can transport you to another place and time? Next time that happens, take a second to notice how the cadence of the bass and drums can take your breath away, yet simultaneously fill you with a constant reminder that in a moment, you'll have to return to the absolute here and now. Instant heartbreak.
Just the other day, while scanning the stations in the car, a song came on that did just that. I cranked it as loud as it could go, and found myself in the front seat of my Mom's car, in my 17-year-old body, listening to the same tune as we were passing Memory Gardens on Euclid Avenue.
"Ma, when I die, please play this song," It was more of a tell than an ask.
"Huh?"
"When I die, this is the song. It's Peter Gabriel (eye roll like she should know). I love it. It's one of my faves."
"Okay, fine. Do you think you're going to die?"
Annoyed teenage silence.
Five days later, I did just that.
*****************************************************************************
I don't really talk about it much, except sometimes after a beer or six with my Brudder-Cousin, Mark, who is the only one I know who I think knows what I'm talking about.
It was brutally cold. I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be. It was noon on a Sunday. I didn't have much experience driving, but that fact didn't make it my fault.
The moments after the accident are meant to be between me, God, the ones who've gone before me, and us alone. I think that it's Divine Design that has prohibited me from being able to write about it, even after all of these years. I don't want to fill your head with how it'll be for you, because I believe we all will experience something a little different. What I saw, felt, and believed to have experienced was quiet, beautiful and everything I had dreamed it would be...but it was quick, and it was not my choice whether or not that moment was the true end of me on earth.
******
I remember hands positioned underneath me, with the imminent intent of moving my body to a safer location. I tried to speak loudly for the good samaritans to hear: "Do NOT move me, I broke my neck," when my pleas were met by a woman in charge coordinating: "Okay, on the count of Three..." at that moment I knew that was it: I was going to be paralyzed. I begged for God to take me back to where I just was because that would be better than being paralyzed from the neck down. Before three, I could hear running and hollers: "DON'T TOUCH HER: I'M A PARAMEDIC!"
He asked me my name and told me his. "Troy," he whispered. And he comforted me and cared for me so I didn't bleed out or suffer further injuries. He is the first reason I am still here.
The next thing I remember is seeing a man in a University of Michigan sweatshirt, and he told me he was going to take care of me. I think I said, "I just got accepted to MSU," and he told me "Don't worry, I am going to make sure you get there, but I'm partial to U of M."
Then I remember being wheeled into surgery, telling my parents that I loved them and hearing Dr. Benson tell my Dad, "We won't be able to reattach the finger but we will do what we can to save the hand," and then I blacked out from crying so hard. The next thing I remember was being on a bed that constantly rocked back and forth, opening my eyes to see the end of the tube stuck in my mouth, busy doing the breathing for me. I remember spelling "Make it stop" one letter at a time with my right index finger in my Ma's palm. My Ma, who rarely cried in front of me, mustered up the strength to say, "I wish I could," through obvious tears. This went on for days.
*******
The days, weeks, and months that followed were not easy. For anyone. I tried to keep a positive attitude but I was resentful that I was missing what was supposed to be the best part of high school. I remember drinking a lot of milk to heal my bones, and eating a copious amount of pudding pops. I had a halo brace screwed into my head, a large bandage on my arm, a full leg cast and then about 80 stitches in the other leg. It was a 1% chance of me walking again after the injuries I had to my neck alone - and I was determined to tackle the situation and lead a life all would be proud of. I owed that to all who cared for me, and to the second chance at life I was given.
*******
I think I've written about how some anniversaries are harder than others. With Twenty-Five looming over me this week, I have been quieter than normal and obviously introspective. I had the intent of handwriting letters to certain people and sending, but time got the best of me. I think I put it off long enough, because I knew that if I just sat down and wrote, the anniversary was much closer than I thought it was. I don't know where life will lead me in twenty-five more years, so here goes:
*******
Dear Troy,
I do not have the words to thank you enough. I'm so grateful for the uncanny timing you had that day, and I know that that made all the difference in the quality of my life from that moment on out. I love that we have built a friendship over the years: having you at my high school graduation, and dancing with me at my wedding will be two of my all-time favorite memories. Since that day, I have long-carried the belief that I, too, will stop to help someone. It's part of my purpose - one of the reasons I lived. I hope you know how much you mean to me.
Forever Thankful,
Dana
Dear Dr. Perlmutter,
I'm guessing it was probably a bummer to be on call on a Sunday, away from time with your own family. I have thought of this often since having children of my own. My life would not have been the same without you, and all you have done for me, from those early moments on in the ER until now.
Your kind and composed demeanor kept me calm, in the most un-calm situation. I remember you trying to talk to me while there were tons of other nurses and doctors hovering over me with wires and tubes in hand and you asked them to give us a second. They quieted, and you had to lean over the rails of my bed to meet my eyes to tell me, "You broke your neck, Dana," and I tried to respond "I know that." I remember talking so people could understand me was so hard, and so utterly exhausting. You must have seen the panic in my eyes and knew what I was trying to ask, when you instinctively responded, "We will take care of you," and I felt at ease. That's exactly what you did - you more than took care of me - you made a miracle happen. While taking charge in all of my care, your decisions were made in my best interest. You beamed when I made it through the first week and eventually when I started to thrive. I try to live each day to make you proud, to show my appreciation for all you have done to afford me the life I have so very much loved to live.
With Love and Gratitude,
Dana
To all of my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins,
You all stepped up when you didn't have to. Those dizzy first days that you came to visit, to offer love and support for me (and Ma and Dad) have never been forgotten. When I got home from the hospital, and you stayed overnight to give my parents a break, we appreciated it then as we do now. You will never know how much you all mean to me.
Love,
Da
My Dearest Friends,
I found out quickly who you were after this experience - at seventeen it's so silly to think I needed a life-changing experience to see what was already in my heart. You stood by me, cheered for me, and loved me through a difficult time. You made me laugh when I needed it most, and let me cry when I needed to vent. A special thank you to Shane and Jimmy Key... two of my most cherished friends - we didn't allow a bad experience to simply define a friendship... we allowed it to sow the seeds a lifelong friendship.
Always,
Dana
Dear Jim,
You never once hesitated or flinched when we first started dating as we talked about my accident (and the obvious finger). It meant the world to me that you saw me for me beyond all of my scars, hurts, worries, and anxieties. I never thought I would be lucky enough to find someone who loved me for me. Thank you for supporting me always and never thinking it was funny to put an engagement ring on my right hand- I love you more than I have ever found a way to say to you.
More Most,
Me.
Dear Jimmy and Maddy,
Someday when you read this, I hope you are in a place in your life that you can understand that even though bad things happen to good people, we have to take a moment to find the good in those bad situations. I often say that my accident was the "best worst thing that could ever happen to me," and I mean it. Mama may look a little different than your friend's moms, and that's okay. It's just like I always say: Everybody's body is different. I know you respect that and appreciate that, and even at your young ages, you understand that. I need you to now understand this: I thank God for you every single day, and I know the road to your life on this earth began with the help I had from others the day of my accident. So many things could have been so different - and if they were, chances are you'd still be on the other side of the rainbow. I love you more; I love you most.
Love,
Mama
Dear Ma and Dad,
Not a day goes by that I don't think about the agony I put you through - and I'm so incredibly sorry. You deserved to be happy, not to endure another heartbreak. Both of you have always done so much for me and I owed you so much more gratitude than what I gave you in return. Nevertheless, you cared for me and loved me and forgave me. You recognized it was an accident, that it wasn't my fault, and it was a journey we would take together. You told me we would make it through, and we did. Sure, there were good days and bad days, but they were all days God granted us together. I am who I am because of who raised me, and boy, am I ever thankful I was raised by the best. You gave me strength, you gave me hope, and you gave me love, even when it was hard to love myself.
I love you more.
Da
******
Outside of my classroom is a sign with "25" on it, and a little note: they say time heals all wounds, but I'm not so sure. The wounds maybe haven't all healed, but they sure have changed. Tomorrow, I will take ten minutes out of class and finally explain the full story of how exactly twenty-five years ago, a girl just three years older than they are now, beat the odds to build a life she loved to live, with the help and love of so many.
Infinitely grateful...
Dana
