More x 12.

It's close to 8. 

As I'm writing, I'm enjoying this gorgeous evening; it's still warm outside although the clouds have stolen the last few minutes of the day's light. The smell of chlorine wafts on the faint breeze as the kids splish-splash and giggle... they're working hard to get themselves extra tired before waking up to another busy summer's day.

"Look at me, I'm a dolphin!" Mads directs Jimmy as she glides through the water. She is quite the actress, that's for sure. She is so creative and funny, sensitive and thoughtful, but boy can she be feisty. Sounds like her GeeGee, doesn't it?

And your grandson, the one who kicked my belly to remind me life was meant to go on while I was watching you float into what comes next... well, he is in his "pee corner" in the yard - guess we gotta give him props for not going in the pool. Ha. He surely must have some of that resourcefulness you did. 

I can't help but glance over to the lights just beyond the golf course and think of us gathered around you in your last few hours. The 12th anniversary of the worst moment of my life is upon us in just mere minutes now. Those lights in the distance are oddly comforting to me - on June 24th and the other 364 days of the year. And each year, on this particular date, I tell myself I won't cry, but my eyes are leaky anyways. Oh well, I tried. 

The kids and I talked about you so much today. How if you wrote your own eulogy you would have told people that M&M's really DO melt in your hand and that you should put them in a plastic up and "drink" them instead. How we should all stop crying because it made our faces puffy and no amount of Cover Girl Pressed Powder would be able to cover that up. How if you like something, buy three identical ones of it. How to not save the Chanel No. 5 for "special occasions" because we need to find the everyday special occasions. How when there was lightning, you would turn on Tom Skilling and not let us shower until the storm passed. So much of who you are is instinctively and organically part of who we are.

You have taught me that no words should be left unspoken. And while it wasn't always easy finding my voice again, it is easy to live authentically and I know you'd be proud. 

I took a play from the Ma Playbook you wrote, and had a heart to heart with Jimmy while I was driving. It didn't hit me until literally today that you used to do this to me because 1) As a preteen, I could talk and not have to look at you if the topic was uncomfortable and 2) I was too lazy to walk, so I was stuck talking about whatever topic you turned down WGN 720 to discuss. Well played, Ma, well played. Today, as Jimmy and I were driving along I said, "I just wish she was here so she could see me, finally me, finally happy," to which he replied "She does see, Mama. She does. I believe that."

I do too, Buddy.

Tonight, we toasted you at a beautiful outdoor dinner and visited the flower park. Mads held my hand while we were walking to your stone and Jimmy noticed the gorgeous fresh flowers Papa left for you today. We hugged and they told me "it's alright, Mama." 

And it is. 

So while they swam this evening and I wrote, the cardinal bird who camps out in the yard sings overhead and sure as shit, thunder starts to rumble out of nowhere. I had a momentary flashback of you running out of the Waverly house screeching "beep, beep, beep," and we quickly closed the pool up for the night. Mads refused to hop in the shower because of the lightning outside and protested loudly at the audacity of the suggestion.

I guess it all really does come full circle. 

I love you, Ma. More.

This One’s for Me.

I’ve been called a lot of things over the course of my life: Miracle Baby. Da. Daughter. Girlfriend. Best Friend. Favorite Niece. Teacher. *ex* Wife. But far and away the most important title I have ever held is simply “Mom.”

For whatever reason, Jimmy and Maddy never really called me “Mommy” - just “Mama.” I’m okay with that. In fact, Maddy programmed her watch to call or text me as that, and I hope that never changes. Once in awhile, Jimmy will throw in a “Mother,” usually when I’m asking him to pick up his dirty chonies off the floor, which I’m pretty sure in his head is followed by another colorful sentiment, but I can’t really be so sure. 

Often, I tell Jimmy and the Mads that I learned how to be a Mom from the BEST. To me, the BEST that ever was. Sure, my Ma aggravated me from time to time, mainly when it came to her stubborn ways and required pantyhose adornment, or the fact that she was “stupidly right,”  but Ma? She always, always put me (and Deb) above herself. Always and in all ways.

For years, I thought I was doing the right thing by putting what I thought was the best interest of my children above my own. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Turns out the old adage “If Mama ain’t happy, nobody is happy,” is rooted in non-fiction…and us 3 are the living proof of that. We are finding that laughter comes easy, tears are few, and mostly that life is short, so we make it as sweet as we can. We choose happy every day, and there is no regret in that. Not one. Not ever.

Mother’s Days I have celebrated as “Mama” have been spent as a daughter searching for her Ma, whose residence in Heaven makes it difficult to find the “happy” in the day; this year is the year that all changes. Sure, I will still go on what I lovingly refer to as the “Cemetery Circle Tour,” and have my customary Gene and Jude’s hotdog picnic…but as I write, I’m sitting in the quiet safety of my patio, surrounded by a faint sound of a 40th birthday party band playing great music a few yards down, and I’m waiting for those floating lights in the sky which somehow I feel are for all the “Mama’s” out there celebrating without their Ma’s, too. But this year, instead of tears, I am smiling. And that is the feeling I have been waiting for, for a long, long time.

So this Mother’s Day is about me and all of the things Ma taught me that I’m sharing with J and M. Tomorrow I will remind them of some of her gems:

1) Find the beauty in every one and in every thing, even if that’s really annoying.

2) It’s okay to cry, but laughing until you cry doesn’t make your face as puffy as if you’re crying because you’re upset, so focus on the happy tears and not the sad ones.

3) If people are assholes or mean, there is something wrong with them, not you. 

4) Keep moving forward, but never forget where you’ve been.

5) M&M’s really do melt in your hand.

Love you, Ma. More. 

Now send me some damn purple lights so I can go to bed.

Xoxo

Of All the Things I Know to Be True

2016.

One of my closest friends hugged me tight and whispered: "Nothing good or bad lasts forever," a sentiment I knew to be as true then as it is now. It wasn't particularly a sunshiny time for me, but I made damn sure my coworkers, friends, family, or Facebook never really knew it. I just put on my happy face, like I do so well. And I got used to life like that. 

And "like that" went on for a long, long time. 

Until it couldn't. Because... of all the things I know to be true, nothing good or bad lasts forever. 

...

There is so much I want to say, but I can't, or at the very least, I shouldn't. So I won't. But you must know this: The second half of my life will be far more rich in genuine laughter, in genuine love, in genuine gratitude and in genuine understanding of what happiness is really all about. And this notion brings me nothing but unabashed joy, like that of experiencing a summer sunset on the beach which makes you think God prepared its colors and its calm, only for you to get a quick glimpse of Heaven. 

My Ma used to say that half of your life is planning for things that never end up going the way you've planned, so you might as well just trust your gut and figure it out as you go. I would say that after spending years just stagnantly waiting for what I thought life would be or should be, I followed my gut and it was the best decision I have ever, ever made. Of all the things I know to be true, sometimes you just need some wings and a little push off that ledge, but damn, Girl, you'll fly. I promise you that. 

And that? Well, the satisfaction of knowing that you could, that you did? Hmmm, maybe some things DO last forever.

June 23½ Again.

It’s June 23½. Again.

A year ago on this night, I wrote about the tenth anniversary of the very last evening my Ma spent on this earth. Tonight, I close my eyes and I’m there. June 2022, feeling the words pour out onto the screen. I’m there now. Thinking about how Dad and I wouldn’t leave her side, and while I knew she was fading, I felt the kicks of my unborn son reminding me there was a lot of life left in that hospital room. 

A lot of life was in there, until there wasn’t. 

A year ago in this very moment, I wrote about how ten years went by in the proverbial “blink of an eye,” and how I have this uncanny ability to re-experience the raw emotions I left in hospital Room 906 - at any time, in any setting, even for just a fleeting moment. There we were: Dad, Aunty Cookie, Uncle Don, Ajax, me (and baby Jimmy of course). That’s it. The evening of the 24th, we waited, we told her to go, we reassured that it would be okay for her, okay for us. All the things they tell you to say and to do, we did. And with four distinct breaths that I’m certain were gasps of “Hi! I’m so happy to see you” during her entrance into the Next Place, she let us know it was her time to go…from us. 

Ten years was tough. I cried a lot when I could, smiled when I could, and did what I could, when I could. 

Until I couldn’t. 

But what a difference a year makes…

Tonight, on June 23½, I write in the backyard. Alone. The kids are at their dad’s this weekend. The light breeze of solitude is entertaining me, the dog, the string lights illuminated above me, and it’s keeping my beer cold. On this, the second day of summer, even with all of the trees filled in on the golf course that separates us, I can see it. The light is on in what I’m guessing is Room 906. 

But writing tonight is different. Because, instead of looking for reasons why they are the way they are, I already know. And staring out past my backyard to 906, I smile, I feel relieved, and I see them. 

Fireflies. Lightning Bugs. Debate it on your own time, but don’t for one moment forget to appreciate them. For me, they are making the dark, not so dark. And they are making the solitude not-so-lonely. They are here for the night, until the morning, when they aren’t. I’m not sure where they will land while the sun will shine tomorrow, but I will remember and will be grateful for them for being a part of June 23½. Again.

The funny thing about lighting bugs is that you forget they exist until they don’t, usually around mid-June. And that first endearing spark reminds you of begging your Ma for a glass jar with holes haphazardly poked in the top so you can catch them with your cousins after a long day of swimming in the pool and playing ghost in the graveyard in your backyard. You caught them and then wondered the next morning why they wouldn’t spark. Took me all this time to realize why…it’s because they were trapped, unable to be free. Until they were and it was all over. What a shame. 

The light just went off in what I believe to be Room 906. Hopefully just for tonight so a patient, and the loved ones who won’t leave her side, can get some sleep. Until they can't.

Ma, I miss you and I love you. More. Any tears I have on June 23½ are because the holes in the jar are so large, this firefly will surely find her way… and damn, that journey is beautiful, bright, and all hers. But only because I learned from watching the BEST, navigating through life without ever losing her spark. 

I love you, Ma. 

xoxo,

Da.

28.

 

"Happy Accident Day, Mama," Jimmy hugged me with all his might. Not to be outdone by Brudder, Mads followed in close behind with the same sentiment and maybe even a little bit of a tighter squeeze. These two... hands down, my absolute reason for being. With my eyes leaky, I head downstairs to workout, thankful for the ability to move my body the best way I know how.

Jimmy was well into his first five minutes of PS5 time and asked, "Mom, do you know what song was on while you crashed?" Me: "Yes. 'Tuesday's Gone' by Lynyrd Skynyrd... Do you want to hear it?"

"Can we, Mama?"

"Yep."

"Hey Alexa, play 'Tuesday's Gone' by Lynyrd Skynyrd."

Three bars in... I'm crying. He puts down the controller; he is crying. He says, "Mama, I love you more than anything in this world." 

"...train, roll on..."

*********************************************************

I don't really talk about it much, except sometimes after a beer or six with my Brudder-Cousin, Mark, who is the only one I know who I think knows what I'm talking about. 

It was brutally cold. I was somewhere I wasn't supposed to be. It was noon on a Sunday. I didn't have much experience driving, but that fact didn't make it my fault.

The moments after the accident are meant to be between me, God, the ones who've gone before me, and us alone. I think that it's Divine Design that has prohibited me from being able to write about it, even after all of these years. I don't want to fill your head with how it'll be for you, because I believe we all will experience something a little different. What I saw, felt, and believed to have experienced was quiet, beautiful and everything I had dreamed it would be...but it was quick, and it was not my choice whether or not that moment was the true end of me on earth.

******
I remember hands positioned underneath me, with the imminent intent of moving my body to a safer location. I tried to speak loudly for the good samaritans to hear: "Do NOT move me, I broke my neck," when my pleas were met by a woman in charge coordinating: "Okay, on the count of Three..." at that moment I knew that was it: I was going to be paralyzed. I begged for God to take me back to where I just was because that would be better than being paralyzed from the neck down. Before three, I could hear running and hollers: "DON'T TOUCH HER: I'M A PARAMEDIC!"

He asked me my name and told me his. "Troy," he whispered. And he comforted me and cared for me so I didn't bleed out or suffer further injuries. He is the first reason I am still here.

The next thing I remember is seeing a man in a University of Michigan sweatshirt, and he told me he was going to take care of me. I think I said, "I just got accepted to MSU," and he told me "Don't worry, I am going to make sure you get there, but I'm partial to U of M." 

Then I remember being wheeled into surgery, telling my parents that I loved them and hearing Dr. Benson tell my Dad, "We won't be able to reattach the finger but we will do what we can to save the hand," and then I blacked out from crying so hard. The next thing I remember was being on a bed that constantly rocked back and forth, opening my eyes to see the end of the tube stuck in my mouth, busy doing the breathing for me. I remember spelling "Make it stop" one letter at a time with my right index finger in my Ma's palm. My Ma, who rarely cried in front of me, mustered up the strength to say, "I wish I could," through obvious tears. This went on for days.

*******
The days, weeks, and months that followed were not easy. For anyone. I tried to keep a positive attitude but I was resentful that I was missing what was supposed to be the best part of high school. I remember drinking a lot of milk to heal my bones, and eating a copious amount of pudding pops. I had a halo brace screwed into my head, a large bandage on my arm, a full leg cast and then about 80 stitches in the other leg. It was a 1% chance of me walking again after the injuries I had to my neck alone - and I was determined to tackle the situation and lead a life all would be proud of. I owed that to all who cared for me, and to the second chance at life I was given. 

*******
I think I've written about how some anniversaries are harder than others. Twenty-Eight isn't a significant milestone or number, but 1995, as I have recently learned, has much more significance to me than just this accident. Today, however, my eyes are leaky - but as a loved one told me this morning, "but you made it." And I did. I made it. And I will make it again.

Until that time, though, I need to thank a few key people in my life. 

*******

Dear Troy,
I do not have the words to thank you enough.  I'm so grateful for the uncanny timing you had that day, and I know that that made all the difference in the quality of my life from that moment on out. I love that we have built a friendship over the years: having you at my high school graduation, and dancing with me at my wedding will be two of my all-time favorite memories. Since that day, I have long-carried the belief that I, too, will stop to help someone. It's part of my purpose - one of the reasons I lived. I hope you know how much you mean to me.
Forever Thankful,
Dana


Dear Dr. Perlmutter,
I'm guessing it was probably a bummer to be on call on a Sunday, away from time with your own family. I have thought of this often since having children of my own. My life would not have been the same without you, and all you have done for me, from those early moments on in the ER until now. 

Your kind and composed demeanor kept me calm, in the most un-calm situation. I remember you trying to talk to me while there were tons of other nurses and doctors hovering over me with wires and tubes in hand and you asked them to give us a second. They quieted, and you had to lean over the rails of my bed to meet my eyes to tell me, "You broke your neck, Dana," and I tried to respond "I know that."  I remember talking so people could understand me was so hard, and so utterly exhausting. You must have seen the panic in my eyes and knew what I was trying to ask, when you instinctively responded, "We will take care of you," and I felt at ease. That's exactly what you did - you more than took care of me - you made a miracle happen. While taking charge in all of my care, your decisions were made in my best interest. You beamed when I made it through the first week and eventually when I started to thrive. I try to live each day to make you proud, to show my appreciation for all you have done to afford me the life I have so very much loved to live. 
With Love and Gratitude,
Dana 


To all of my Aunts, Uncles and Cousins,
You all stepped up when you didn't have to. Those dizzy first days that you came to visit, to offer love and support for me (and Ma and Dad) have never been forgotten. When I got home from the hospital, and you stayed overnight to give my parents a break, we appreciated it then as we do now. You will never know how much you all mean to me. 
Love,
Da

My Dearest Friends, 
I found out quickly who you were after this experience - at seventeen it's so silly to think I needed a life-changing experience to see what was already in my heart. You stood by me, cheered for me, and loved me through a difficult time. You made me laugh when I needed it most, and let me cry when I needed to vent. A special thank you to Shane and Jimmy Key... two of my most cherished friends - we didn't allow a bad experience to simply define a friendship... we allowed it to sow the seeds a lifelong friendship.  
Always,
Dana


Dear Jimmy and Maddy,
Someday when you read this, I hope you are in a place in your life that you can understand that even though bad things happen to good people, we have to take a moment to find the good in those bad situations. I often say that my accident was the "best worst thing that could ever happen to me," and I mean it. Mama may look a little different than your friend's moms, and that's okay. It's just like I always say: Everybody's body is different. I know you respect that and appreciate that, and even at your young ages, you understand that. I need you to now understand this: I thank God for you every single day, and I know the road to your life on this earth began with the help I had from others the day of my accident. I also know that YOU are the reason I am here. So many things could have been so different - and if they were, chances are you'd still be on the other side of the rainbow. I love you more; I love you most; I love you always. 
Love,
Mama

Dear Ma and Dad,
Not a day goes by that I don't think about the agony I put you through - and I'm so incredibly sorry. You deserved to be happy, not to endure another heartbreak. Both of you have always done so much for me and I owed you so much more gratitude than what I gave you in return. Nevertheless, you cared for me and loved me and forgave me. You recognized it was an accident, that it wasn't my fault, and it was a journey we would take together. You told me we would make it through, and we did. Sure, there were good days and bad days, but they were all days God granted us together. I am who I am because of who raised me, and boy, am I ever thankful I was raised by the best. You gave me strength, you gave me hope, and you gave me love, even when it was hard to love myself. 
I love you more.
Da

******
They say time heals all wounds, but I'm not so sure about that. The wounds maybe haven't all healed, but they sure have changed. I have changed, and I'm not done. Tomorrow, I will take time out of class and finally explain the full story of how exactly twenty-eight years ago, a girl just three years older than they are now, beat the odds to build a life she loved to live with the help, love, and support of so many.


Infinitely grateful... 
Dana

29

July 16, 2006

Dear Dana,

29 years old today. Happy Birthday, Girl! Tonight, you're going to have an absolute blast at Howl at the Moon with all of your friends - they'll come from every aspect of your life: college, work, childhood - it really doesn't matter, because you're the glue.  They'll come together like they're all old friends too - for laughs, for shots, for dancing and for some really, really bad microphone takeovers that will almost get you kicked out of the place. Tomorrow, you'll pay for it with a raging hangover that will piss off your Ma, but she'll get over it quickly like she always does because she thinks you're something to celebrate, too. She may even give you some Pedialyte to take the edge off. Maybe.

Enjoy every gift of a sunrise in this trip around the sun - I'm sorry to tell you, but it'll be the one of the last that seems easy-breezy for ya. Maybe for a long, long time. But you won't know this until much later. But like Ma always says, "life is a series of peaks and valleys," you'll have your shining moments in-between - not really knowing if you're in a peak or in a valley at the time  - and you'll wear them well. You'll live, you'll learn, and you'll reflect on the moments that will test your soul. That is how you are built and that is all you know how to do. You got this. And deep down, you'll know you do, too.

My birthday gift to you is the reassurance in knowing you will once return to the You you are tonight. I promise you this. Back to the girl who laughs loudly and loves with reckless abandon. To the girl who celebrates others and seeks those who celebrate her. To the girl they say, "There she is" when you are seen. You may bend, but you won't break. Some days you will feel like it, but you won't allow yourself to. After all, you are your Ma's daughter and you can't let her down. However, along the way, you'll allow parts of your life to evolve into something that doesn't even look like a life, purely out of survival. And that's okay. You'll forgive yourself for that someday. And you always find a silver lining, because silver linings are all you know. And on those days that you have doubts, look down at those wings, Girl, and fly.

In a few years, you'll teach all of these things to your babies, who will be like you in so many ways. More ways than even you can recognize. He will be your heart; She will be your soul, and you will realize that your world begins and ends with them. As it should. In your early years as a mother, you'll forget all about who you are tonight, at 29 years old. But that won't always be the case. Just remember that when you're ready, you can reopen the birthday gift I just presented to you, and it will mean more to you the second time you take the bow off. 

One day, you'll dream about this night - and in this dream, you'll even be wearing the new tube top and necklace you got today at Express. You'll take the microphone from the piano, and you'll sing Dreams by Van Halen, louder than you can remember your Ma singing it when she thought nobody could hear her. But this time, everyone can hear you - and more importantly - so pay attention now, you will hear yourself: "and in the end, on dreams we will depend, 'cuz that what love is made of..."  You'll awake and just know: It's time to love yourself again. And you will. It won't be easy, but it'll be worth it. It will take time. Stop doubting yourself: be brave, be strong, be the 29 year old you are.

One last thing:  tonight, when the blaring rendition of Forever Young is played, grab that mic and sing with those friends, "Whatever road you choose, I'm right behind you, win or lose" like you're literally singing for your life, because, really, you are. You are singing to your future self and let me tell you something: she is dancing her ass off. How do you know I know what I'm talking about? Because everything will be okay in the end - and if it's not okay, it's not the end. 

Because when you look in the mirror tomorrow, all you will see is you. At 45. 

Love, 

Dana

January 22, 2023

p.s. - I love your hair.

Bye Mom

It’s late. Like, really late. I should be so asleep that I have gotten up to pee twice already, but I’m not. I can’t. It’s June 23 ½. 

Ten years ago on this night, I camped out in Room 906 of a building I can see from my now new-ish home (an intentional part of this home purchase). I look outside now, wondering who occupies 906 now. Covid? Car accident? Pancreatic Cancer? Not sure which, I search the predawn sky for the planets the news told me that were supposed to align, right before the sun hits the horizon. Nope. Nada. Can’t see a damn thing, except for the light on in a hospital room I imagine is Room 906, wishing that the family of the person resting there tonight doesn’t suffer the same heartbreak I felt at this very moment, exactly one decade ago. 

Dad and I had decided that we weren’t leaving and we needed to be with her. We sobbed as we signed the papers nobody ever wants to sign for someone they love. We watched. We waited. We pretended this wasn’t really happening. But it was. And on June 23 ½, it happens all over for me again, and the reality of time and space won’t ever change that - an uncomfortable truth I have come to expect.

But that night, we weren’t sure what was in store, except we had lost enough people we loved that we understood there was no leaving. So there we were, Dad in a chair, me six months pregnant and camped on a love seat, hoping she would make it til the 24th, when Aunty Cookie, Uncle Don, and the rest of the family made it in to say goodbye. 

The sun rose swiftly on that morning and I remember I couldn’t wait for my family to arrive, but also hoping the clock ticked more slowly and its hands pushed the people we loved further away from 906. Once they did arrive, I knew that she would know then know it was time for her to move on. In her transition, or what I call the “float,” between here and the Next Place, she was slipping away from us, but not until I got her last word spoken on this earth, “More.”

More. More is all I ever wanted, but it’s something I will never, ever have - and that is the single biggest disappointment of my life.

So there we were, at about 8:30 in the evening on the 24th of June, “More” was going to be out of my grasp until “More” is the last word I will utter to my own children someday when it’s my time to go. Ma took four distinct breaths, the kind you make out of awe and surprise at what your eyes have just glimpsed, and that was it. She was gone. 

In the years that have followed, I have tried very hard to keep her memory alive, but there are no more pictures, no more one-lined emails, no more pantyhose (if you know, you know), and no more memories. A friend of mine, Bobby, who lost his mom very young once told me, “Life is divided into two time periods: Before Ma and After Ma,” and I can attest to the absolute truth of that sentiment. I hate that. Sometimes, though, I think I have memories of my Ma with my children, and then I realize that none of it happened, but somehow I find comfort in the lies I tell myself to just keep going, strong and steadfast just as she taught me to do.

I have found over the years that the days leading up to the anniversary are worse than the actual date itself, but the gravity of double-digits overwhelms me today and everything sucks. I have found that the pain doesn’t get different, you just get different, and today, that sucks, too. I wonder if I am even a tenth of the mother she was, because today I will make them clean their rooms and floss their teeth and they will think that I suck. Today, I do, and I’m allowed that. But just for today.

Tomorrow, I will get up and get Maddy ready for her dance recital and secretly record her on stage and later, I will be the loudest Mom at the baseball playoff game, cheering on Jimmy and his buddies. I guess that will be my “More.”

Bye Mom. Until we meet again. More.